


marauders: a study in letters

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Each Chapter is a Different Letter, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Letters, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:27:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: a collection of letters, each written from one marauder to another.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Peter to Sirius- November 1981

**Author's Note:**

> These aren't intended to be in chronological order. I started writing these with the idea that they were all recorded as they were found (as if Harry or another future character found them) so the timeline won't be linear and they won't all have responses.
> 
> Also, the fact that Peter wrote this doesn't really make sense but shhh, let me have this
> 
> I'm really proud of it anyway. Happy reading! TW// bullying, fat shaming, major character deaths

Dear Sirius,

How can I begin to tell you how sorry I am? I know you hate me, and that this is the last thing you’ll want to read, and I get why. You should hate me, everyone should. I know I do.

I have to explain why I did what I did. Even if the likelihood of you seeing this is very slim, I have to explain. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write but I’ll burst if I don’t. And I owe you this much.

I don’t suppose you know what it’s like to be the underdog. You’re Sirius Black, after all. How could you? I imagine you’ve spent your whole life being the biggest fish in the pond. That’s just the kind of person you are. And it’s wonderful, really it is. It’s what I envy most about you. The way you can just let go, ignore what other people think and be a bigger person than everyone else. It’s an art I can’t ever hope to master. Or even study in.

I am the underdog, I always was, even at Hogwarts. And I was sinking then too. Even though you, James and Remus were there to hold me up, I was sinking. I couldn’t tell you how I was feeling. How it felt to be me, the talentless, fat one that everyone overlooked, the one who was there to bolster you, who had no-one to bolster me in return. The little ego I had was held together by the attention I got. So, I hit out at others, mainly Snape, like you and James did. To earn your respect mostly, for you to clap me on the back and tell me I did good. It was exhilarating, but the high was only temporary. It would fade and I’d be left to sink again, under the weight of self-loathing. I cried myself to sleep sometimes, thinking of all the pain I’d caused.

I didn’t hate Snape, not really. I hated me. I still do, so, so much. 

I’m sorry, Sirius, more than you’ll ever know. And I know it counts for nothing, that my apologies won’t save you from Azkaban, but it’ll have to do. I can’t go there. You always were so much braver than me.

That’s why I joined him, I suppose. Because I am a coward. A jealous coward, who hated how much more talented you, James, Remus, Lily, all of you, were than me. I was just so full of hatred and I guess that made me an easy target for him.

What he said, the promises he made, Sirius, they were music to my ears at first. He said everything I wanted to hear, how great it would make me, how much of a hero I’d be. It was like giving food to a starving child. I had never been a hero. So, putting me and that stupid word together was like holding a match to a fuse. I suppose I should have known the fallout would be astronomical.

I didn’t mean for this to happen. I loved him. James. More than I ever told him. Possibly more than I even knew. I didn’t want to hurt him, and Voldemort knew that. I asked him to spare James. I know how horrible that is, that I’d have an innocent woman and child die, but my head wasn’t in the right place. It’s no excuse but it really wasn’t. He ignored me though. He boasted about it afterwards; he didn’t even give James the opportunity to stand aside. I suppose that should make me angry, but I know it’s my fault he was there in the first place.

I’m sorry it had to be you that went to Azkaban. I knew that you’d find me one way or another, so I had to find you first. When I screamed their names, when I asked you how you could do it, I was really asking myself. I didn’t mean to cause an explosion. I just hated the answer.

I’m sorry, Sirius. I loved you like a brother, and I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know.

Peter


	2. Sirius and Remus- August 1977

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy wolfstar day! i'm not sure if that's a thing outside of twitter but i wrote this to celebrate anyway.

August 17th, 1977

Most Esteemed Messr. Moony,

SORRY. I know what you’re thinking and I’m SORRY. Blame it on Prongs, he’s had me working like a dog, all puns intended. Good news is we’ve earned loads. Plenty to treat my Moony if it’ll get me out of the doghouse (okay, no more puns now, promise). Honestly, Mr Barraclough’s windows have never looked so clean. He’s lucky to have us.

How are you keeping, anyway? Missing me? That better be a yes because I have an ache in my tummy and it’s either dodgy food or missing you. Hardly the language of love, I know. I should go all “should I compare thee to a summer’s day” on you but I won’t. Spare your blushes and all that.

Joking aside though, I have missed you something rotten. And okay, it’s not like I didn’t miss you in the summer before but it’s different now. I think I’m pining. That’s what James says anyway.

I, for one, can’t wait to get back to Hogwarts. For you as much as Minnie, don’t worry. Seventh year, can you believe it? Christ, we’re not babies anymore, not even Wormtail. Though he’s still baby-height but you know what I mean. Not long until we’re out in the big, scary world. I think I’m more nervous about that than I want to be. Are you, Moony? Always feels better if you are too.

Are you planning on visiting? Pete’s already been but he’s probably already told you. Was only a day trip but that’s still one more than you’ve been. And I’m not dying to kiss Wormtail so it’s even worse. Pleeeease come. Prongs misses you too. He wants someone else to fuss over. I swear he’s getting more like Euphemia every day. Don’t tell him I said that. He’d have my head and it’s too pretty for that.

You like it when I ask you what you’ve been reading so what have you been reading? And have you done the Potions homework? Or the Herbology homework? Or any homework?

Love you to the moon and back (wink wink),

Most Esteemed Messr. Padfoot.

P.S. Have you heard about the new Honeydukes stuff?

August 18th, 1977

Most Esteemed Messr. Padfoot,

So, you’re alive then. Good, I was beginning to wonder. Apology accepted, of course. But I’ll kick up a fuss if it happens again. I just missed your stupid puns, I suppose. I guess you could say I’ve been mooning over them (See? Annoying, isn’t it). I won’t blame it on Prongs, he gets sad when I do that. Your fault, and your fault entirely, I’m afraid, Pads. Glad you’ve got a good earner now, must be nice. And no, that doesn’t mean you get to treat your Moony. I’d be completely spoiled if I let you have your wicked way, Black. Do appreciate it though, as much as I’m sure Mr Barraclough appreciates your work. He’s a lucky man.

I’m okay, you know me. And of course, I’m missing you, you daft sod. That’s what boyfriends do. Definitely dodgy food on your part though. Hope that’s not a reflection on Euphemia’s cooking, it was nice last time I tried it. Honestly, I thought I’d quite like to have Shakespeare quoted at me but now you have, I’d rather not, especially if you’re going to get the quote wrong (it’s shall, not should. Poor old Billy will be turning in his grave).

I like the idea of you pining over me. Peter says I do it with you all the time. Nice to have the tables turned.

I can’t wait to get back either. It’s boring at home, though I’ve missed Mum and Dad obviously. There’s only so much time a man can spend in his room before he starts seeing things in the wallpaper. Not quite there yet but I’ll keep you updated. As much as Minnie? I’m honoured, Sirius, really. But I know how you feel: I can say that I’m not enthused about the big, scary world either. Of course, I’m nervous, all things considered. I keep waking up in cold sweats about it. Can’t imagine why it’s better when I am too. Do you just like seeing me in pain, Black? Is this a kink you’ve discovered? If it is, I dread to think what you and James have been doing in between washing Mr Barraclough’s windows.

I can’t visit, and I can just see you going all pouty about it, but I can’t. There’s the whole big little furry problem to think about. Not sure Fleamont would like a werewolf trampling his allotment. And Peter has told me actually. He’s quite scarred by the state of your bedroom apparently. That’s someone would doesn’t go almost two weeks without writing. Not that I’m bitter about it. I should hope you’re not dying to kiss Wormtail. We’d have problems if you were. I’m not ready to be a throuple. Tell Prongs I miss him as well and that I’m sorry I can’t come. Once a mother hen, always a mother hen, Sirius. He’ll never change. He can have your head; your legs are your best feature anyway.

I do like it, but it does come as a shock when you ask. So, after recovering from a heart attack, I can tell you I’m reading the Picture of Dorian Gray. You may actually like it, Pads, it’s very gay. To expected with Oscar Wilde, really. Yes, I have done the Potions homework. No, I will not send it to you. Ask James. Herbology’s a work in progress. But you’re still not having it when I’m done.

Love you too (even more so when you keep your pun-related promises),

Most Esteemed Messr. Moony

P.S. Of course, I have. I’m dying to try out the new chocolate. I might go back on what I wrote earlier and allow a certain Mr Black to treat me. Just this once though, don’t get any ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! feedback or general thoughts would be more than welcome :)


	3. James to Harry - June 1981

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all of these letters have been so short :( i can't write long fics to save my life
> 
> happy reading!

Dear Harry,

This is a weird letter to write. How are you supposed to write to your toddler like he’s an adult? You can’t even read yet and you’re in your highchair as I write this (actually eating your peas for once). It feels so strange. But I suppose I have to try. For your sake. Clichés incoming, bud. You were warned.

Harry, in all seriousness though, if you’re reading this, then I’m probably dead, and your mother too. And that’s why this is the hardest thing I’ve ever written. I’ll try to keep it light though, cause that’s what I do. I have every hope, at the time of writing, that you’ll never have to read this, that we all survived, and your mother and I can watch you grow up. We really want to, Harry, and it’s killing us that we might not be able to. The thought of not buying you your first wand, waving you off at Platform 9 ¾, going to your graduation or watching you settle down with someone (man or woman, we don’t mind) and starting a family as happy as ours, is too horrible to think about.

I’m sure you know the story by now of why Lily and I had to go into hiding. It’s been terrible and I think if I didn’t have you and her, I would have torn all my hair out by now. And trust me, that is possibly the worst thing I could do. I’d be stripping the world of one of its natural wonders. It really is that good.

Your mother has been so brave. I hope you grow to be just like her, not a prat like me (yes, I can admit it). She’s amazing, Harry, the most amazing woman anyone could ever have the pleasure of knowing. I’m so proud of her for everything she’s done, having you, working for the Order, being there for anyone and everyone, and I’ve tried to tell her that as much as possible. I know she doesn’t feel brave at all, and neither do I. I hate being stuck inside when I could be out there fighting. Like Sirius is doing.

He’s been marvellous too. We can’t see him much, too dangerous obviously, but he’s making the days easier by just writing to us. I hope that if your future doesn’t have me and your mother in it, it will, at least, have Sirius. Your life will be a lot brighter with him in it, bud, I can promise you that. There’s a reason why we chose him to be your godfather, Harry. He’s a bit reckless but his heart’s in the right place. He’s really come into his own since you were born. I think he’d be a good father himself. He loves you so much; you’re as precious to him as you are to Lily and I.

I suppose that’s my main reason for writing this, actually. To tell you how much you were loved. And you are, so very much. The day Lily told me she was pregnant was the happiest of my life, bested only by our wedding day and the day you were born. I held you in the hospital right after Lily did. It was horrible watching her go through all that, but it was so worth it in the end. You were tiny and you looked a bit like a tomato but you, Harry, were the most incredible thing I had ever seen. It was if nothing else in the world mattered; it was just you, me and your mother. I felt invincible, like I could kill Voldemort with my bare hands and every single one of his Death Eaters. Can’t do that, of course. Wands do, after all, exist. But I have every confidence that whenever you’re reading this, it’s a Death-Eater-free world. We’ve worked too long and too hard to fail. We won’t, for you and every child like you. I promise, Harry.

Be brave, be strong and keep going. Your mother and I love you more than life itself. Always remember that. And if we’re not with you physically, we’ll still be by your side. We’ll find a way. Until the very end, Harry.

Love,

Dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed :) feedback or general comments would be much appreciated

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! feedback or additional thoughts is more than welcome :)


End file.
